By J.J. Colagrande

01_thelonious-horowitz10Whatevs, whatevs, scalpers are not headz. They’re cockroaches. Bet they’d survive a nuclear holocaust and Shiite too. You know scalpers hustle tickets from headz. As cars are backed up trying to get into The Lot those punk-ass scalpers hold signs requesting tickets. Headz always have extra tickets, someone can’t make it, a last minute cancellation, a girl broke up with her boy and has an extra—these are the headz that sell the scalpers tickets below cost. These are also the headz that haven’t been to a lot of Shows or they’d recognize that an extra ticket is worth its wait in gold. The extra ticket got clout on the barter market. You can trade for anything with an extra ticket—STOOPS—an extra ticket is part of the experience of a music festival. DON’T YOU KNOW! Girl—have you ever been experienced…check it: I wanna know what goes on in your lil girl world, cause I’m on your mind, its hard to forget me, I’ll take your pride for a ride if you-se let me, so peace out y’all, PCP, song out, throttle to the bottle with Hurricane Clout —STOOPS give ME yo ticket before you give it to a scalper. Scalpers never go into music fests. Their only concern is making money off headz by any means necessary. Straight up scalper’s are public enemy number one, five-o said freeze and I got numb. Scalpers are like pond scum. They lie about The Show’s ticket availability. Ask a scalper if the music fest is sold out and he’ll always say it tis—even if it taint. They sell bunk tickets, photocopies, unused tickets from an old music fest, whatevs—you gots to be careful with their product—you’ll spend fifty bucks on a fugazi. Scalpers are the worst and getting rid of them might’ve been the best idea I’ve ever had.

For more inside music festival insight, check out Keith and KC talk about nitrous oxide