11. SHAKEDOWN

By J.J. Colagrande

I pulled one of my slithering secret wrestling escape moves on this mammoth Mamma Cass. Then I resorted to pure speed to escape the woolly beast. I saw Sugar Bear heading towards the main road out of the East Meadow. I caught him on the Trout Run path down to the entrance of the show. Tackling him from behind splatt boff we started rolling down the hill. Give me that powder, Sugar Bear!! We began to wrestle and throw punches thunk boff ooooff zap kapow while we continued to roll. The rascal kicked me in the nuts whap temporarily disabling me. He jumped to his feet. You’ll never get this powder, Kurtis!! Sugar Bear ran and I chased, albeit gingerly at first. At the bottom of the hill, he bucked a sharp right and made his way towards the giant slide. He cut the line like a dickhead, swooping down the slide with a hoot and a holler–the fucker–I was in full chase, although I asked nicely if I could skip ahead to go down the slide. On the bottom I had him in sight. Sugar Bear saw me and panicked, jumping in front of a production golf cart. He forced the All Good worker from the vehicle and headed towards Shakedown in the hijacked cart. Luckily an empty cab drove by and I literally jumped into it and yelled FOLLOW THAT GOLF CART!!! My cabbie did what I told her when I stuck a hundred dollar bill in her hand. In hot pursuit, we chased Sugar Bear past the Shakedown vendors, up All Good Avenue, past the Ferris wheel into the rocky inclines of Magnolia Circle. At times we pulled up beside him and he tried to ram us off the road. I even jumped into his cart and punched him repeatedly crraack ooooff thwapp but he shook me off by slamming on the brakes and then accelerating again. Sugar Bear tried to lose us by cutting through the heavily occupied campsite in the Big Meadow. Zig-zagging through Maple and Walnut Avenues, we wrecked more than a few campsites as he made his way towards the steep drop off known as Buzzkill Hill. Again we pulled up beside the golf cart. This time Sugar Bear knocked us into a sideways spin, flattening our tire. He pulled off laughing. You’ll never get my sugar!! I started to chase him on foot, but he was definitely getting away. By the time I surfaced near the Check Point, I scanned the crowded area only to see the golf cart over by the entrance to Staff Parking. And then Sugar Bear appeared in a car, exiting the staff lot. He literally drove right past me; dust kicked up in my face as I saw him exit the Music Festival altogether, laughing and hooting and hollering. No way!! Thelonious’s remedy couldn’t get away. I looked around. I needed a car, like stat.

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