#4 BABIES WITH PACIFIERS

By J.J. Colagrande

The plan was supposed to be simple. That alone sounded retarded. Duh. I should”ve known better. To plan. To devise or project the realization of. To plan, from the Latin planus–meaning level ground. Me? Level ground? Plan us, who, us plan? Yeah, right. Wrong. Landed in Albany. Check. Grabbed luggage and some of KC’s books. Check. (She didn’t want to bring in books to vend, so she had me carry up a case from the City.) Rented a car. Check. Budget. Ford. New. Comfy. Check, check, check. Started driving towards Mariaville. Check. Used navigation system on phone. Check. Out of the airport. Headed north. Check. Albany looked old. Like George Washington old. The plan was in motion. Headed towards Schenectady. Check. And then…Dum da dum dum…the freaking Iphone died. I must’ve burned it up on the plane. Dumb da dumb dumb! And my dumb ass spaced the charger back in Brooklyn. Can you believe that? Ugh!! Freaking technology. It will fail you every time, dude. So there I was with no phone, no map, no way to contact KC, no idea where to go, it sort of left with only my instincts. What else was new, huh? I got off I90 in Schenectady. I found some street called Union–why not travel on Union you know–better than Division, right? Man–it was getting dark and Schenectady was just weird. I found these guys who gave me directions. They told me it was Mariah-ville–not Mariaville–and I said it’s spelled like Maria, not Mariah, and they looked at me funny until I said, okay, I need to get to Mariah-ville and finally they said something about Route 159 but I was totally spacing out on the word Mariah. For some dumb reason my mind started thinking of this village of Mariah Carey’s–and in my mind the Mariah Carey village was eco-friendly and all the little Mariah’s were wearing Daisy Duke shorts made of a little hemp fabric–like maybe Geri could sew them. I finally shook that vision off and thanked them and headed on my way. When I found Route 160 and took it because I wasn’t sure if they said Route 159 or Route 160 so I figured they must be close enough, but believe me dude, with some perspective, I could say although they were close in numerology and fairly close in proximity they were really not that close in reality, except to the fact that both places were in the middle of nowhere. So, in reality, I was in the middle of nowhere and pretty much lost. Please don’t ask why I didn’t buy a new cell phone charger.  What can I say? It just didn’t cross my mind. Now you know why KC calls me a ding-dong.

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