THELONIOUS ON SOUTH FLORI-DUH

By J.J. Colagrande

01_thelonious-horowitz3Miami’s ill and all but what is it about South Floriduh? There must be something in the water cause everyone down there’s fucked up. Maybe they get too much sun or something. But it’s not only the people. It’s the whole place. If there’s anything embarrassing going on in America, look for South Floriduh to host the event. Remember Elian Gonzalez? Check this Shiite out: I’m in town, r-i-i-i-ght…Curtis gets this wacky idea to get us on television. Put on an alien costume and walk around Elian Gonzalez’s Little Havana house with a billboard saying, ‘Welcome Home, brother.’ Alien. Elian. Same thing. It would’ve been great, you know, making fun of the whole media circus. A dude in a big green alien costume. An illegal Elian. Would’ve made National news. Like bigger than the Hurricane. That’s how you do it. That’s how you break on through. Curtis and me were down like what but Geri tawked us out of it. She said stoops, the Cubans wouldn’t have seen it like us. She said we’d of been alligator meat for shizz. Whatevs. Curtis and Geri won’t miss South Floriduh. They’re East Coast kids and some East Coast kids will always be down with the East Coast. Besides from Langerado, or the Ultra music fest, they won’t miss South Floriduh. What’s there to miss?  Recall the election controversy of two g—centered where???—in all three South Floriduh counties. And what about Mohammed Atta and his band of Merry Terrorists? Where did those motherfuckers live? In the land of The Princess. South Floriduh’s dusted. Do you know the city of Miami spends more than a million dollars every year cleaning the water from sacrificial remains put there by people practicing Santeria? So, there is something in the water: foo foo sak pase voodoo dust. Tis true, mon—Geri told me—and she knows about tings like dat. Explains why South Floriduh-ians be so stoops . . .

 

If you liked this, you might enjoy Curtis’s homemade hurricane story